My friend is dating my ex

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  1. My Best Friend is Dating My Ex : relationship_advice
  2. So your friend just started dating your ex. Here's how to deal
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Even if your friend had come to you first and told you about their intentions, it still hurts. It's easy to say that if they had done things this way, or that way, it would hurt less, but in my experience it doesn't. Having been in the others roles of this situation, I can tell you that they didn't do that to you.

They most likely got together the way most couples do, and that didn't really have anything to do with you.

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They're not dating to hurt you, they're dating because they like each other. My issue is that given our history, I have no idea what my appropriate attitude should be towards them and how to interact with them when it comes to it. What would be a mature way to handle it, without me looking like a beaten dog? I know that's hard to hear right now, I hated hearing it too, and I hated saying it more. Realistically it's all you can do if you want to have any sort of peaceful relationship with these people.

Also, being happy for them and moving on shows that you're not a "beaten dog" It shows that you're strong enough to not let this stuff get to you. It takes a lot of strength to carry on after a hard breakup, and it's better try to do it gracefully. Being happy for them shows that you're confident, and ok with your self as much as it says that you're ok with them. One of the key ingredients in any healthy relationship be it business, friendship, or romance, is Trust.

When your friend violated the ideal that you listed he destroyed your trust in him. This is extremely damaging to a relationship. If these two had been honest and had wanted to not betray you they would have A told you they were going to date each other. B she would have broken up with you before sleeping with someone else.

I have to applaud your forgiving attitude towards your girlfriends initially. It takes a lot of effort and courage to forgive betrayals like you suffered. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Don't hang out with either of them. If they show up at a party, just say hi and go find someone else to talk too. Don't invite them to anything you plan. If any one asks why you are treating them this way tell them something along the lines of, "They betrayed my trust. I will be polite to them, But I have no desire to be around them. Try this on for size. You are presuming that Mike owed you some sort of interaction about this, and you are disappointed you didn't get it.

Ok, now you also call yourself an introvert. If the shoe were on the other foot, and you were dating Mike's ex, would it have occurred to you that you owed Mike a conversation? Ok, if it did Would you feel eager to have that conversation? Maybe Mike or Jane is going through that. If there's tension in the room, it maybe ain't just yours. Or for that matter, they could have tension you do not. Some of the tension might be imagined worry over what the other might think. You can look to the past and count all the ways your feelings hurt.

  1. It’s never OK to date your friend’s ex – and this is why;
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  4. Or you can look to the future and decide what kind of relationship you'd like to have with them going forward. The clearer and more self-true you are on this, the better it will work. And then you can outreach them and figure out where they're at. It may be they are relieved to know that what they presumed to be a problem for you is in fact not.

    Also, cut your ex some slack. It's hard to navigate them well even when both of you have the best character and intentions. It's the human condition but it doesn't define our choices. Thank you for your interest in this question.

    My Best Friend is Dating My Ex : relationship_advice

    Because it has attracted low-quality or spam answers that had to be removed, posting an answer now requires 10 reputation on this site the association bonus does not count. Would you like to answer one of these unanswered questions instead? Home Questions Tags Users Unanswered. How to interact with a friend dating my ex-girlfriend when we hang out? Background Jane and I belonged to the same group of friends since childhood. Problem Her dating Mike, in fact, did not surprise me that much. I'm voting to close this question as off-topic because we cannot give relationship advice.

    Questions at IPS require a goal we can address within the context of interpersonal skills. First of all, please narrow this down to 1 question, so the extra questions bit has to go. What exactly is your goal here? Why are you asking us, and what are you asking us for help with? Do you want to have a frank talk with Mike about not telling you, so that hopefully things are talked out before you ever have to interact with both of them? Do you want to 'act normally' which we can't answer since we don't know what's normal for you?

    Tinkeringbell I edited out the extra question. What I want is to keep my friends including Mike and basically not address the fact of them dating. Can you talk it out and remain friends, or do you have to endure a romantic breakup AND friendship breakup at once? No matter what, you need to try and have a discussion with your friend. Alternatively, maybe this is a friendship that you need to let go of. Tell her how it makes you feel.

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    You deserve to be heard, but so does she. Whether you decide to stay connected to your friend or cut them loose, distance is the only thing that will help make you feel better. If you want to stay friends, take a temporary but hard break. That means no Facebook stalking, no texting, and no Twitter creeping. Chances are, things are going to get awkward with your mutual friends. You need time to be upset. While a good chunk of my friends were supportive and there for me, my other friends were eager for me to get over it.

    Allow yourself the time to be upset and grieve. Take it one moment at a time. I promise it will diminish as time goes on and as you move forward into bigger dreams. This is something I have experienced all too often. For a long LONG time, all my 'best friends' would often get with my exes after I had been with and they too, did not think they were doing anything wrong. I resented them greatly but always maintained friendships with them, even if it hurt. However, after a tough period in my life, I ended up going to counselling and this subject came up in one of my sessions.

    So your friend just started dating your ex. Here's how to deal

    My counsellor helped me reflect and I realised I didn't resent them for going behind my back and 'betraying' our friendship, I resented them because they made something work that I could not. Obviously, it would have been nice if they had given me some heads up and told me, but at the end of the day, they were happy for me when I was with the person and in return, I should be happy for them.

    Sure, it isn't ideal and fun but, that's life. If they find happiness with that person, then, that's that. I know it hurts. I think, from personal experience, you can be friends with somebody again, you've just got to find acceptance in yourself and realise that probably the friend did not do it to hurt you. We dated for about ten months, and broke up about six months ago. Been best friends with the girl for five years. But that action, cutting that girl out of her life over something that doesn't concern her is troubling and immature behavior. The day someone let's pussy or dick get in between friendship is the day that that person needs to really take a look at themselves.

    Or as someone else said, she knew that her friend couldn't handle it and decided to be happy for herself. I broke up with him, but still had feelings when I did break up with him. I do think people's advice will depend on whether he dumped me or I dumped him. And I am also realizing that I do still have feelings in all this. More feelings than I initially though.

    But what bothers me the most is that my friend went behind my back. It's a betrayal of trust. I had always wanted them two to be happy but together being happy? How long had this truly been going on? Okay if they truly make each other happy but I'm worried one of them is doing it for selfish reasons, you know. I can explain in more detail if you care enough about my drama, but I'll spare you it now lol. I see it that if you leave him it kind of takes away your right to dictate who he can go out with, if he left you then dating anyone you know is majorly out of order.

    Your friend could be different, if she knew you had feelings for him then she should have never made a move.


    A lot of people are saying that maybe she did not tell me because she wanted to spare my feelings, and maybe there's a chance she did that, but at the same time, I've known the girl for five years. I don't think that was it. She was often a very selfish person so I think she waited to tell me as long as possible for her own sake. SO she wouldn't have to deal with my reaction, which only angered me more.

    There is a slight chance she wanted to spare my feelings but I don't think so honestly. It's so weird, I'm more pissed with her than my ex. Maybe because I broke up with him and hurt him? But I never did anything to hurt my friend up until now. Thank you for your reply. This happened to me. About three months after he and I broke up she texted me and said we had to talk in person and it was serious and possibly friendship altering.

    A couple months later another one of my best friends ends up sleeping with my new guy. It fucked me up. I do not speak to any of those people anymore. I would say the best thing you could do is drop them. I love my friend group now and my boyfriend is an angel. He is your EX. Yes it was wrong of them to hide it from you but frankly he is not your property and can date whoever he wants. You don't get to control what your friend or your ex does and the sooner you realize that the better. That is a very immature way to look at it in my opinion. She dated him 10 months and has had her best friend for five years.

    If no one dated anyone's ex you'd run out of choices. She can learn to be happy for other people without cutting off friendships. There are million people in the US. And frankly it's pretty obvious why they thought they needed to hide it until they were sure they were a thing. She didn't leave him because he was bad to her, she just wasn't attracted to him. Presumably you'd think she'd be happy that two people she cares about are happy, instead of being jealous of something she chose to throw away.

    I never said I wanted to control him. Now it's like, since she will be bragging about him in stuff, like he forced back into my life and I don't want to hear about that. It also makes me wonder if he had a thing for my friend all along. It just hurts way more knowing it's my best friend, of all the people in the world he would go after. I can respect hat and understand your feelings. There is almost always going to be jealously when an ex moves on and starts to date someone else. You are right that he will still be in your life because now your best friend will be with him but you should be happy for them since it did not work out with the two of you.

    I don't see this as a reason to cut your best friend out of your life. I'm sure you can ask her to tone down the talk about him when you two are hanging out and that would not be an issue. You two were dating 10 months Talk to her in a calmly matter and sort the situation out from there. Thank you for the honest advice. Up until now I have spoken to people who are biased, so I appreciate what you're saying. The thing is, I have considered, now that I have calmed down some since hearing the news, talking to her calmly.

    But at the same time, she has had a history of flirting with guys that she knew I had been interested in in the past but she has never done something like this. She had always been a bit selfish, but to me this was the last straw, does that make sense? Had she been a better friend up until now I probably would have spoken to her, but that's what is keeping me from speaking to her still.

    If you no longer have a social connection to this guy, which you admittedly don't since you've broken off the relationship, you don't have an actual say in who gets to be with who. You can break off a friendship for whatever reason, that is your right, you don't even need to defend the decision. I would strongly advice you to let things like this go. All you are doing, and anyone who have been advicing you in this tread are doing, is making up standards for what they perceive to be societal norms, or how they would have reacted, had they been in that situation.

    And all of these opinions are just influenced by things they have read on various forums and conversations and interactions throughout the years. Keeping the relationship from you can simply be as simple as not making life uncomfortable for you. If you are no longer together, they are not really sneaking behind your back, are they? You haven't been cheated on, no one has been unfaithful. I ended a relationship with a girl about 10 years ago. It was mutual, it sucked, but it was going nowhere.

    The reasons for a breakup are not important, what matters is whats factual, and that is that you've broken up. I also happened to work in the same building as my ex. We were part of the same social circle. My ex started dating one of my friends, no one told me about it until I saw them holding hands walking down the street some 4 months after the breakup. We had a talk, they didn't tell me because they didn't know what it was yet.

    And quite frankly, from that perspective, do you have any right to know? You don't, not really. But times gives perspective, and with perspectie comes clarity. I made peace with the situation more or less immediately after I met them. I avoided hanging out with them for a couple weeks until the knot in my stomach had settled, but after that, no problem. Because if you realize that you don't have anything you say in the matter, you don't have the right to be upset with anyone either.

    You can think it sucks, but you don't have the right to be mad at anoyne for not telling you, because they don't have a responsibility to. Being a best friend does not come with a contract to tell you everything. And you have not given any hint in your message that she failed you. She just slept with someone you are no longer with, and you made up a rule that you can't do that. Forgive your friend, be happy for them. Don't be sad you are no longer together, be happy you made memories, and look forward to the next ones.

    Nope, I just saw that you broke up 6 months ago. She was waiting for you guys to break up imo. They were only dating 10 months. They've been broken up half that before the friend even started dating. That might be a good point if the friend didn't start dating the ex a "good while ago. So, even though OP has been broken up for 6 months now , the friend actually got together with the ex before now.

    Maybe 3 months after the breakup? Maybe if she would have went to her friend and was honest, things would be different. I don't think you're over reacting.

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    Your best friend dating your ex is weird. When did their attraction start? Was she hoping you'd break up? If they didn't think they were doing anything wrong then why hide it? I think it's completely justified to feel betrayed by your best friend and even a little jealous. Relationships end for different reasons and your best friend should have respected how you felt about him It's girl code and BFF code. Wish them well and find a new friend. There comes a time in life id be like well maybe they work great together and blah blah but you guys are still young and honestly I think she sounds like a terrible friend.

    A good friend would have asked for your permission first before even going out with the ex and made sure you are totally okay with it. There are tons of guys out there and no need to date a friends ex. Especially when the dating pool is still so big for you guys. My ex handled it well when he found out and they are still friends.

    While his other friend apparently was going to ask me out but asked for permission and said he was going to wait a bit longer to let things cool down. Sadly he missed his chance but he definitely was probably the better friend out of the two. If any of my friends were to date one of my ex's, assuming they knew she was my ex, I would expect them to ask me first because who knows how one will take it.

    She did it behind your back, argued with you, cutting ties with her I think is the best thing for the moment. Maybe i'm showing my age here, but 10 months is a pretty short amount of time for a relationship. For me, in my 30's, relationships that last less than a year are to be expected.

    So, I'm not trying to be demeaning or insult you OP in anyway, but be mature about this and realize that you and him tried and it didnt work out. You arent romantically "compatible" with everyone. Now, i understand that you're all in your early 20's and during this time months seem like years and years seem like a lifetime in a relationship.

    We have all been there. BUT, also realize that you dont own a stake in the people you get close to, so, if your best friend is dating your ex and they live happily ever after, then awesome for them! If they dont work out, then as far as im concerned, you have every right to say "i told you so". Like the poster above said, the girl code stuff is seriously immature, and only detrimental to YOU.

    It's important that you establish yourself as the friend that doesn't lose her head over such trivial matters, so that in the future your friends feel like they can be upfront with you about sensitive matters. My wife wanted me to add this: Perhaps she never had the intention of keeping from you, which is why she waited until it was official between them. Boyfriends will come and go in your life, but friendships, especially the long term, "been through some shit" kind, are hard to come by. I know personally, that I wish i hadn't been a selfish and immature person to some of my old friends, because looking back now i know whatever our transgressions were about wasn't worth the loss of the friendship.

    I just hope i can help this friendship from being that lesson for you. Move on, dont waste time Looking backwards at what didnt work, look forward to what can. Good friendships are better than this. Life has a universal way of presenting you with what you need when you dont know you need it. They wanted to know that the relationship was real before risking it all. After having some time to think after making this post, I read through some comments again and thought to reply to yours.

    I respect your opinion, but I don't think it's selfish of me to be upset at a friend for not being honest with me about dating my ex behind my back, especially considering it was a recent ex. If I had started to have feelings for one of her recent exes, no matter who broke up with who, I would have had a serious talk with her about him before dating the guy. It's the considerate, respectable thing to do. After that, if I'm being honest, I would date the guy, see where it goes. She likely would support me. Because I would have wanted to be happy.

    So, had she been honest from the beginning, I would have felt awkward, but I would have still been friends with her. It's not necessarily the fact that she's dating my ex alone that upsets me, although that is a bit messed up. I left a few details out in my post. The day she told me she was dating him was on her birthday, which was odd. As though that would make me not be mad at her or something. Her first question was: I wasn't even upset because from the way she asked her question I assumed they were just talking and weren't dating yet.

    But then she said they had already been dating for at least a month. It's a bit pointless to have this conversation with me when you're already dating. It showed how little she thought to talk with me and how many opportunities she missed to do so until that point. And so I told myself, how she acts in this conversation will determine whether or not I will continue this friendship.

    Welcome to Reddit,

    So I told her that it was inconsiderate of her to not only date him but to do so behind my back for a while. And to that she said: I just thought I would tell you before you saw it on Facebook or something. The fact that she said it so callously. It was just too much. Selfish, immature, unapologetic, dismissive, and disrespectful. It was how little she acted like she cared towards my feelings that hurt.

    She had always been on the selfish side but that took it too far. Had I started dating someone she once loved behind her back, I would feel guilty, because I wasn't honest with her about it. And I wouldn't dismiss her emotional pain if she tried to talk to me about it. If she was truly this good friend that you speak of, don't you think she would talk to me like a mature, respectable friend would have done?

    Believe me, I wish the reason she didn't tell me was because she wanted to avoid hurting me. But from her responses, it appears that wasn't it. It was because she always avoids the serious conversations, especially ones involving her flaws. You don't know her like I did. Enough time to know her. I always wanted her to be happy, but if she has to go behind my back to do it, how can I support that?

    The Reddit echo chamber can be a bit much sometimes. Neither of them owe you anything. That said, this is a tough one. Was it the most considerate or sensitive thing for your friend to do? I also think we need more details about your relationship with both of them. Did you end the relationship or did your ex?