- Trust after dating a sociopath | Dating a Sociopath
- Why Does it Take So Long to Get Over a Relationship with a Psychopath?
- Stage two – The fog of confusion
This is not the same as codependency - many people who do not realize they are dealing with psychopaths come to believe that they are codependent personalities. This is simply not true, because when they undo the damage done by the psychopath, the dependency disappears, too. It is not actually part of their own personality. This manufactured dependency can be very strong and the person often needs the psychopath or narcissist to know what to do and how to think.
They may even need the psychopath to know who they are. The victims may not realize how dependent they actually are on the psychopath. This dependency kicks in big time when the psychopath leaves, when the psychopath breaks up the relationship. In fact, many psychopaths do this on purpose, or even threaten to leave, knowing that the victim cannot survive without them, so that the victim comes running back to them.
And this is typically the first reaction the victim has when they think the psychopath is leaving. They become almost desperate not to lose the relationship. They try and make up to the psychopath, promising to do whatever it takes and so on. This dependency also explains why battered wives and others in abusive relationships end up going back to the abuser. They may be so dependent that they often cannot imagine a future without the abuser and they feel that they are nothing or that they cannot survive without the abuser, or that they will have nothing to live for without them, so they end up going back.
This dependency is one of the effects of the mind control that has been used against the victims and may have nothing to do with the real personality of the victim at all. It's common for those outside the situation to blame the victim saying that they must enjoy the abuse, or they cannot make decisions for themselves or they have dependent personalities and that's whey they return. All these things are mistakes in understanding about abusive relationships.
If someone does not realize that they are dealing with a psychopath they may label themselves as the problem and try and deal with their codependency etc. Even if someone does know their ex partner is a psychopath, dealing with this dependency is a big effort and it takes time and work to undo this aspect of the mind control. As I mentioned, the psychopaths often know that their targets are dependent on them and they use this against them.
For example, they may threaten to leave knowing that this reinforces the control because this is often the one thing the victim wants to avoid so the victim changes their behavior to be nicer and more accommodating to the abuser. If the psychopath leaves and they couple gets back together again for whatever reason, the abuser is often even more abusive.
The manipulator will say such things to the victim as, "Well, you wanted to get back with me, so you have to put up with the way I am. If the psychopath or narcissist disappears suddenly, often called discarding, the victim may be left broken hearted and broke financially.
The victim is left wondering what they did wrong, what they could have done differently and how could someone just up and leave suddenly like that. They may never figure out that they were taken advantage of by a psychopath. All the contradictory feelings and emotions are in play in this scenario as well, on top of the fact that there is no closure of any sort with the psychopath.
This type of complete discard is not actually that common because the psychopath may show up again at a later time. In fact, even when a psychopath breaks off the relationship and does not do a disappearing act, they will often hang around, maintaining some sort of relationship with their victim. This gives the victim hope that things can improve and the psychopath strings the person along, sometimes for years. They continue to abuse and take advantage of the victim often without the formal commitment of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.
Victims of psychopaths may have been thinking of leaving for years but simply have not been able to do it. See the section on dependency above! At some point something happens and the victim decides that they have to get out, it's time to leave. The psychopath often knows that their victim is changing and that they are losing control so the first thing the psychopath does is to make friends again with the victim.
This makes it difficult for the victim to actually leave because they have renewed hope that their partner is changing and maybe now they can make it work. This cycle may last for years. Eventually the victim leaves but the psychopath is not going to have someone else tell them what they can or can't do so they try all sorts of things to get the victim back. If a person does not realize their partner is a psychopath, these tactics often work.
The psychopath or narcissist spends so much time chasing the victim that they literally wear the person down and the person gives in and goes back and suffers all over again. If the person does know they are dealing with a psychopath, the early part of life after dating a psychopath can be very difficult. The psychopath may try all sorts of things to get them back, promising the sun, moon and stars, accepting responsibility for the breakup, blaming the victim for the breakup, saying the victim will never find anyone to love them the way the psychopath did, threatening the victim, threatening suicide and so on.
The person knows they have to get out, but all the emotional manipulation by the psychopaths and narcissists still makes it very difficult to stay out. The programming of the pseudopersonality is still very strong and the person may think, "What if I am making a mistake? But the programming is very strong and this is easier said than done for the victim. When they have got some distance from the abuser, things get a bit easier for the victims but still all the difficulties of having the manipulator in their head all the time along with the dependency has to be dealt with.
The relationship has formally finished, the psychopath or narcissist may or may not be still trying to get back into your life but you are clear that you want no more to do with them, you just want to carry on. Unfortunately that pseudopersonality you have was put in place with such strong influence techniques that it does not disappear on it's own.
It persists, often for decades unless something is done about it. Some things may disappear over time but all those ideas, beliefs, behaviors and emotions that were imposed upon you are still in place. In your life after dating a psychopath, the best thing that you can do is to learn about mind control , psychopaths and narcissists.
The more you understand about the details of these things the less the effects of the mind control on you and the more you take back control of your own life. It's important to learn how you were caught, what techniques were used on you by the psychopath, how these techniques changed your thinking, your emotions and your decisions making, how the manipulator inserted him or herself into your life and how they maintained power and control in the relationship.
Only in this way can you hope to get the abuser out of your head and out of your life. Understanding mind control and influence techniques will mean that you can spot normal, healthy influence situations that are designed with positive benefits in mind and notice when someone is using destructive mind control methods for their own particular selfish ends. In this way you learn how to spot psychopaths and how to set healthy boundaries in your relationships so that the relationships that you have are balanced and nurturing to both you and those you choose to have around you.
All this is best done with an expert in mind control, psychopathy and narcissism. Working with someone experienced in this field will save you a lot of time, money, effort and heartache. Conversely, working with someone who does not understand mind control often causes more problems. You can read more about how to deal with a sociopath or divorcing a narcissist and healing from emotional abuse.
Return to Decision Making Confidence. If you think you are or have been in a cult or a destructive relationship, or a friend or family member might be in a cult and you want to talk to someone, send me a message on the Contact page and we can arrange to talk. All communication will be treated in the strictest confidence. Find out more Mind Control Manual Vital concepts about mind control, cults and psychopaths Do you think that you might be in an abusive relationship? Are you realizing that the group you are in may be a cult?
This manual will give you a different perspective! A practical guide to protecting yourself Do you think you are being taken advantage of emotionally, physically, sexually or financially in your relationship? Do you want to leave but you can't seem to get away? Look for groups or support among other victims. The best people to understand what you are going through are those who have gone through it as well.
Ask your therapist to refer you to a support group, or check online for forums dedicated to victims. Go slow in new relationships. Be cautious of jumping into any new relationships too soon, and be aware of any warning signs. Think about how you got involved with your former partner and be aware of any similarities with a newly developing relationship.
Trust after dating a sociopath | Dating a Sociopath
Some warning signs to keep an eye out for include: Does he recognise how his actions impact on others, and take responsibility for this? Does he blame others for their situation? Can he make a genuine and sincere apology? Can he admit to making a mistake?
I just ended a relationship with a sociopath after 6 years. I find it difficult to stop thinking about him, waiting for him to contact me again, even though I ended the relationship. What should I do? Remind yourself of why you ended it and keep that in mind. Avoid contact with him. Consider that it may take up to six months or a year to completely get over him. However, the pain is at its peak right after the breakup. Your mind, body and soul have been thinking about him for six years, it's not easy to change that.
Adjusting to changes in your daily life also takes some time. Talk to someone you trust if it gets to be too much. Not Helpful 9 Helpful I think my partner is sociopath, because I have noticed most of the sociopath traits.
Why Does it Take So Long to Get Over a Relationship with a Psychopath?
Now we have broken up, should I tell his family secretly that he is suffering from sociopathy? You have broken up, so every relationship has ended. It is not up to you do diagnose this, it's just your opinion. You may be right, but your opinion has no authority. Additionally, it is very likely that his parents will side with him. Even if they agree, they're probably not going to stand with you against their own son. It is best to just leave it alone.
You broke up, now let it rest. If a sociopath cuts me off abruptly and blocks me, does this mean I am safe from any future contact from him? He ended it with me, right after professing he loved me. At some point he may try and reel you back into his dysfunctional realm. Block him in return to make this more difficult for him, ignore any future attempts at communication from him, and consider yourself fortunate to have escaped him. Not Helpful 0 Helpful 3. A lot of these traits listed are right on the money for my ex. Months later, he is writing me loving things about how he can't move on. Do sociopaths act this way months later, or do they move on quickly when you completely shut them out?
There is no single defined set of characteristics.
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Anyone can be a sociopath. Some will move on immediately, others will keep trying to win you back. Remember your reasons for breaking up and keep shutting him out. Not Helpful 8 Helpful I have three young children with my ex. Is it safe for them to be around their father? At this point I'd rather them not see him, but I also realize they love him deeply and cannot understand his illness yet.
If you want to let them see him, it should be a short visit that is supervised. Depending on his mental state and degree of self-control, this may or may not be advisable. Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered. Already answered Not a question Bad question Other. Warnings Be careful if you are confronted by the sociopath you have separated from. Sociopaths can sometimes be dangerous.
He is a very angry man. Always shared with me that he was not sure if he has ever loved anything or anybody including me.
Stage two – The fog of confusion
Articles that I read today where beneficial! SL Sharon Lee Jan 19, I see now that my 5-year struggle to help him was in vain, and it wasn't just "me". This article definitely opened my eyes and has provided me the knowledge I need to move on. SR Sally Rose Dec 27, It's so far removed from my mindset! I was a happy-go-lucky person five years ago. RC Rachel Clark Sep 16, I'd never heard of a sociopath til I saw it pop up on the internet. Everything you've written describes him exactly, it felt like I was reading a description just about him.
The article has really helped. D Debbie Apr 5, Your article gave some helpful tips, most important allowing myself to feel whatever emotions come up re: This is the hardest part for me. FR Franco Rebelo Apr 26, The points in this article help me to realize that it wasn't about me or how I fell in "love" with her as a pawn.