- 6 Reasons Why Women Always See You As Just a Friend
- When She Wants To Be Just Friends - AskMen
- Stop Missing Dating Opportunities
If you need to post one or two clarifications because it becomes clear that you've left out relevant information that will help others reach an answer, that's fine, but arguing with the respondents or posting your opinions of their answers is considered unnecessary and unhelpful.
It's usually best to stay out of questions you've started. Not on you but on the whole "just friends" thing. There is no "just friends" talk that has ever gone right for the guy involved unless it was the guy doing the breaking up. This is what you have to do and do it right now. In your mind, dump her. You are so busy dating and flirting with other women that you can't possibly be "just friends" with her. That's the way it should be and that's what you need to get busy doing.
Put your flirt into overdrive.
Date LOTS of women. And if she sees you with one hotty one day and a different hotty the next day, all the better. And if you don't have time to do all these lame "just friends" things with her then guaranteed she will think "Wow! Maybe I did mess things up by putting the brakes on! A woman on a date is a bit of a confirmation to other women that this guy is worthy of dating. How do you make anything more attractive? You can't hang out with her because you've got so much going on! Whether it's because you have a date coming up or you're going sky diving with the guys or you're eating sushi with your new girl friend or seeing the new "Terminator" movie with your other girl friend on a double date with another couple or you're doing a strictly guy thing totally acceptable your calender is booked.
And it's booked for the days she wants to go out as "just friends. In fact, you're so busy you can't talk to her on the phone for very long. Thirty seconds max, then, "Hey, listen. And you can't waste time with kinda sorta girlfriends and luke warm dates. Ditch that idea entirely. Cancel your fancy dinner date. If you have a real date, she may understand. If you do it right she'll really want to get back with you. But you won't be so easy to convince this time you are still unattainable.
Playing hard to get works in the other direction incredibly well. Give her the gift of missing you. Don't give into her right away. Spend only a little time with her.
Be confident always and forever. Then it's time to go you're not on a real date yet. And when you do finally start dating again. Tease her "You remind me of my bratty little sister" Good God that works! She will NOT be compared to your sister. She will show YOU just how unlike your sister she can be! Then give in a little only a little. If she whines tell her she doesn't really want to go out with you a good teasing point and can be backed up historically--remember, you're still unattainable.
Only give in when she's tearing your shirt off. Then do it smoothly. The worst thing that can come of this is you'll be dating a lot more women than just this one. Guys wish they could have such problems! You might have gotten into this situation by moving to quickly--not physically but emotionally. You probably started talking about long term this and that, career, religion, philosophy, deep deep stuff.
Leave that stuff for later. It'll always be there for you two. It won't go away. No need to dive into it on date number 5. Keep it light and fun for many dates. Then get deep only if you really want to. Getting intellectually and emotionally too deep too quickly sometimes sends a "clingy" signal. You may not have even known it or felt like it was a sign of weakness but the fact remains she got turned off by you when things looked like they were going very well. Be cocky and funny.
If you don't do this she WILL end up attached to another guy. He'll probably be the kind of guy you didn't expect her to go to he'll probably be a "bad boy" if she's really good looking and you'll be left scratching your head and wondering what happened. You don't have to be a jerk to be a bad boy. The world is filled with non-jerk bad boys: James Bond, Mufassa, Simba, Han Solo, Richard Branson, Donald Trump, John Bon Jovi, and guys you know who are so cool they can get a woman to start a conversation just by wagging a finger in that "come hither" way then when she does come over to talk he says, "I made you come with one finger.
Lots of jerks out there too like wife beater Tommy Lee. So what's the lesson? Don't be a jerk. Be a bad boy. And always be confident. And if there is anyone out there who thinks this whole concept is a little deceptive I would challenge that person to consider the whole "just friends" thing as being deceptive. It's a talk around.
Furthermore, inside every man is a confident, cocky, funny, adventurous, exciting ladies man just dying to burst out. I'm here to help. I just joined Mefi to post a slightly more optimistic answer to your query: I am a college student who identifies a lot with your girl here, at least as you've presented her. I've done the pity-dating thing, to a degree, and now I avoid relationships where I feel like I've got the upper hand too much.
I would definitely say something like what Girl has here and really mean that I might one day date you, but it would depend on how you acted as well as me getting my shit together.
6 Reasons Why Women Always See You As Just a Friend
Bringing up other girls very casually is ok in support of point 1, but don't force or overdo it. Don't pressure her, and maybe she'll come around. Or maybe not -- I think a lot of the answers about not knowing what she wants are probably valid too, just offering my POV on how to maybe overcome that. This isn't fair to you. Don't wait in the wings.
Give it one "direct approach" attempt, and if that meets with a refusal, then flip yourself off like a switch and start concentrating on other women. She really might be that wonderful, but she's not in control of herself right now, if she is. You don't want to dance jigs for her while she hems and haws over whether you're worth it. You WILL meet other women who you connect to philosophically and all that jazz - but please, please don't act like a doormat for her.
Don't stand in the wings waiting for her to figure herself out. You have a life to live and a lot to give to someone mature enough to accept it. Right now - unless she surprises all of us when you lay down your direct approach - that's not her. Another woman who's given the exact same excuses your friend has in college I wasn't trying to be mean; in fact, I was trying to be nice. I also didn't really know what I wanted, and someone paying that much attention to me was confusing, especially when I didn't reciprocate as strongly.
Because when I met someone I really clicked with, let me tell you--losing him as a cool friend was not something I feared. I no longer cared about a bad relationship history. I certainly wasn't worried about falling in love too fast. All I knew was that someone who really pushed my buttons pushed all of those concerns right out of my head. You can come up with all the excuses in the world as to what she "means" when she says things, but it's been said upthread: If there's one thing valuable thing I learned in my teens and twenties, it's this.
Unfortunately, you seem to be doing what most of us did when we were green to relationships: I have a shot! Another thing that others have touched on, but bears repeating - you can't "make her have second thoughts" because you cannot make any other person think something they do not already think.
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There's no trick you can use to change her mind. There are dating techniques for things like getting someone's attention, or communicating interest, but you guys are beyond that point.
When She Wants To Be Just Friends - AskMen
I'm not saying this to be a jerk. Most of us, I'm sure, have at one time or another fallen into both of these traps. But they are traps, and won't help you find a good relationship. Three times someone has given me the "just friends" talk and then later times ranging one month to four years initiated a relationship with me.
To be honest, this is probably less because I am awesome and more because I was too awkward at the time college at attempting to start a relationship myself and this put her off initially. In any case, my secret was: If you are hanging around waiting for something more, she will pick up on it and it will make things tense. If you are really okay with being friends, go ahead and be friends, don't expect anything more, and if it really is a good idea for her to date you, she may eventually decide that that is the case.
Little story here, bear with me. My ex-fiance and I really disliked each other when we first met. Circumstances changed and we started dating. Dated 6 years and engaged for 1 year. He broke my heart and we went down in flames. Sometimes things aren't meant to be for a reason. Go on with your life. If she shops up again, fine, if not, you're better off. College is too short a time to waste with games, drama and manipulations.
There are plenty of fish in that big wide ocean, but college is more like one of those streams that all the fish of a particular species gather for a while for one sole purpose. Well, maybe two, but only one of them is academic. And you don't have to spawn-then-die, either, as long as you take appropriate precautions. Walk away now , while you still have your self respect. She basically gave you your walking orders, romance-wise, and you tried to convince her to go a different direction. In this alternate reality, she might still see you as a permanent friend with benefits, but the topic would at least be up for discussion.
After ninety days of hanging out and bumping uglies, both parties should take it for granted that some mutual attraction exists. But to wait until the eleventh hour to let her know that you actually like her as a human being, and that being involved with her measurably improves your quality of life? Whatever insecurities fueled that decision, and whatever other mitigating factors might exist, that comes off as callous as best and cowardly at worst. Second, you proclaimed your true, uh, kind-of-wanna-date-you-but-not-quite-sure? Make a voice call. Arrange to meet up in person.
No matter how prevalent it is as a form of communication, text occupies a lower tier. But when it comes to real talk, try real talk. Finally, you waited too long to define boundaries and intentions.
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You get to sleep with lots of people and not follow very many rules and have a cool, sexy time. But in every relationship, committed or otherwise, both parties should be on the same page. Then I started going for the kiss every time, unless I wasn't interested in the girl. It makes it clear that you are more than friends.
Ideally you can get them to your place after the date and escalate to making out, which may or may not lead to sex. If you wouldn't change yourself for her, why do you expect her to do that for you? She just wants to be friends. Do you want her as a friend? Dope, now she is your friend. Do you want to be more than friends with her?
Rhetorical question; She literally told you she wanted to be just friends. Charge her to the game. If she is East Asian and an international student, she faces a lot of pressures that you should be aware of. Females from that part of the world are brought up with very different views of sex. She might be wanting to be friends first. Also, family is really important. She likes you but doesn't like the idea of dating you. Try giving it a second shot. I feel that it's a bigger factor here than most other replies are taking into account.
Despite everything, I feel my mistake might have been coming on too strong for her tastes. Thanks for the response I think I will try giving it a second shot, as "just friends", with very small investment and expectations. Yeah, try getting to know her- she will appreciate that. Ask her about her family, ask to see pictures, or show your family pics and talk about them. Ask what she thinks of dating in America. Many kids get sent to American Universities with explicit warnings from families "Don't date" or "Don't forget our culture" kinda stuff.
Also, don't treat her like an end-game. If she floats your boat and you think shes the right one, I say, go marry her! Here's what you can do: It sucks dude, but it's almost just like a coming of age experience. I don't think you'll find one adult guy who has set foot in the dating world who couldn't recollect an experience like this. Great thing is that you went on a date and got some great experience. Know how many guys put that off for so long? Consider it a win just putting yourself on the line, because you have to start somewhere.
Stop Missing Dating Opportunities
And unfortunately you don't start at 0 then get married the next day. This is a gradual process. You won't get it. Just like every other guy on Earth who's experienced this and doesn't understand how one human can be so attracted to another human that is totally not attracted back. It's not to be analyzed. It just is what it is. Have you ever had a girl basically throw herself at you, but you rejected her cause she just didn't tweak your mind or tingle your balls?
Or maybe you had a girl approach you, but you were flat out emotionally unavailable at the time and neglected to even entertain the idea? This shit happens man. Maybe she's not emotionally ready from dealing with her ex. Maybe she's scared to get involved with someone again right now, but wanted to test the waters. Maybe she isn't familiar with US dating etiquette. Maybe she's batshit insane. It could be anything. It's largely about timing. Yes, you have some influence over the interaction -- seduction is a real thing -- but your influence isn't nearly as significant as you think it is.
Which should lead you to the obvious conclusion: It ain't your fault, chief. But she doesn't have many friends of her own, other than a handful more international girls, so networking opportunities by having her as a friend are limited. Go date other women is what you should do, and start forming physical connections earlier. Kiss the girl, damn it. You know why she felt the two of you were just having a friendly outing and nothing more? Because that's what it was.
Beyond the hug at the end which is meaningless at that point. If you didn't, then what you had was just as she stated: On dates, you compliment the girl, you let her know you're attracted to her, you maintain eye contact with her, you touch her and escalate as she is receptive, you kiss. Plainly, you can't treat a girl like a friend and expect her to want to be more than that. Go for what you want, dude.
What's the point of holding back at that point? Let her know touching is cool. Compliment her if something genuinely stands out. Tell her you like her smile, her laugh is cute, her eyes are pretty. Say what's on your mind. Stop trying to analyze the situation or reach some end goal. Listen to what she's saying -- not because you want to calculate the most stellar response to her, but because you genuinely are interested in what she's saying.
Anywho, this idea that she was some magical creature and you'll never find someone you like as much as you liked her is nonsense. In fact, your date, while good, wasn't that spectacular. You know what's spectacular? Going on a date and feeling mutual chemistry so strong that you two MUST leave the bar and go fuck immediately. That's spectacular, and when you find someone who is mutually attracted to you, you'll understand what I'm saying here.
If you don't want to be friends, don't be friends. You're not obligated to be her friend, just the same as she's not obligated to date you. She'll live and so will you. Just do a slow fade. Don't explicitly tell her you don't want to be friends, because you're too attracted to her to maintain a friendship. That's needy and shows you don't have control of your own emotions.
Just go about your life, get busy, date other people, and don't make her the sole focus of your day as you probably have been. You'll never beg your way to attraction and you'll never create some lawyer-like, compelling case where she's like "ohhhh let me fuck that guy! You can't create a Powerpoint that swoons a lady.
I mean, the only thing that MIGHT make a change at this point is plainly pushing her aside and moving on to date another person. If you do this very nonchalantly, she might come around. But it sounds like she just wasn't feeling it. Maybe that's some things you did or didn't do, but it's more likely just mostly her not being emotionally ready for anything serious.
But you absolutely shouldn't go date other people with a frame of mind that it's just to get her, because it's unlikely to work and it's kind of fucked up to knowingly lead on someone else just to hope this girl will get jealous or whatever. I'd discourage you from taking any actions in your life that are centered around getting her attention.
It'll just eat at you the more you try and the more she disengages. Go find someone else who piques your interest. I know it's hard, but I promise they exist. I hugged on greeting, made sure to keep good eye contact, put my arm around her on a few occasions, held hands, and complimented her on her appearance a couple times. I'm not the most talented at doing these things naturally, as one might expect, but I don't think any of it was overly awkward. I wouldn't say I treated her as a friend on our outing. The kiss was the only missing part, and is getting a lot of attention in responses to my thread.
But it just wasn't right and I could almost feel that she knew it could be coming and tried to get out of there quickly. Despite all the advice I've been getting in this thread, I still feel that if anything, I came on too strong for her tastes. She is a rather shy girl.
And with that plus her cultural background, I can't help but feel that a lot of the ordinarily-sound advice I'm being given is not applicable in this situation. I think I will remain friends with her, without much investment. No skin off my back and maybe, just maybe, this is the approach that she prefers.
What you lack is a concept called "Push Pull. You want the girl to feel like you are somewhat of a challenge. You need to get her to qualify herself. An example might be, "Can you cook? Oh that's too bad. I thought you would complete me.