- Why People Become Reclusive and Like It | PairedLife
- The Repressed Man: What He Really Needs From His Partner
- Where The Desire Comes From
I realized later that scottish men were really phlegmatic and non reactive and stoic. He is from down under and the way he was raised probably has something to do with how he is. We had it out this morning. Got into our first real fight in nearly 2 years. I was planning on just not contacting him for 2 weeks but I saw him online. I didn't do anything and finally I just texted him through my email to his mobile.
I just said Hi then no response. If you don't like me anymore then just tell me. He claims not to be able to respond to my sms but that is a lie. Said I was too needy that I needed constant contact every second. Umm I hadn't heard a peep from him since Saturday.
I hadn't contacted him either. He said that text message I sent was a guilt trip message. He said something about him not even being cut out for a relationship and that he never really sought one out and he likes his solitary life and me and my needs cause him stress. He said he didn't like worrying about our relationship every day and didn't think it would work out. So I just wrote him back one short comment.
I said does this mean we are through? He writes back much nicer and recanting and once again expressed his worries about the age difference and he said he didn't know whether we should break up or not. He said he could use a week or two break. Then he referred to me as his future wife?! So I write back an understanding letter aka wuss. He won't read it until tomorrow as his battery was dead by then. Then I went back and read what he had wrote first and it really made me angry so I wrote back an angry note saying something about if he never wanted a relationship with anyone, then why the hell was he in one for nearly 2 years!!??
Then I vented on a couple of things he did that really make me angry and then I left it at that. I will just leave him alone. I really get the impression he needs some time to think about things. If he wanted it over, he could have simply replied yes to my is it over message as he already gave himself an out with the first angry post and me giving him an out. A man would not even mention the word wife unless he was really thinking about going that road. As for how we get along when I am there in his country, we get along quite well.
I was just there for a little over 3 months. I have thought about it and when I am there, things are good but when I get back, it is hard being apart. I miss him so when we are apart and it takes its toll on me emotionally. Can he give me what I need? I am not sure. He really is self-absorbed. I reminded him that there are two people in a relationship and not just him and his wants and needs but I am a person too with needs and feelings.
He sounds like a commitmentphobe to me Work out what you want in a relationship. Ask him nicely for this, be willing to compromise.
If he seems unwilling to compromise - or have anything more than an online relationship - I'd say move on. The only way I could possibly see for him even suggesting you're clingly is if when he's online you don't let him get off. If you guilt him into staying on line for a long time even after he's said he's tired, or needs to go, or whatever. If you're not doing any of that, then it's his choice to stay online for the amount of time he does.
If you moved to his country, would you be able to find a job? Have any other friends there? Honesetly, his initial blaming of you is a bit scary. The person I am dating has a very solitary job so he wants more socialization opportunities more than I do. I like people as individuals ad I am good one on one or in small groups but large crowds of humans doing anything, yech.
I could go a whole weekend, not see anybody and be pretty damn content as long as I have my dog for company. Yup I've met many guys who are bitter and passive-aggressive towards everyone.
It's really annoying, good on you for presumably not dating him anymore. It works fine for me as we are both home bodies. Having your own time alone is understandable, I would just make sure your future partner understands that. Women can easily feel neglected or unwanted with too much space or quiet time. My boyfriend is a hermit. He likes spending most of his time at home. I like it because he is never busy. So I can say to him, "meet me here at x time" and he is always available. Colder winter temperatures even indoors are fatal for pet hermit crabs.
Currently dating one and am one myself. It's rather refreshing for me. I've always dated the social butterflies and would feel incredibly overwhelmed. I have severe anxiety so being around too many people is hard for me. My SO now has few close friends and isn't into the bar scene so it's nice knowing that our weekends are going to be spent quietly. It wouldn't work for me.
I don't want a partner who doesn't make an effort regarding friendships. I don't want someone who I always have to ask to go out and do things. I've dated two people who went through agoraphobia, one was terrible and one is amazing. My boyfriend has social anxiety and OCD and because of that he can be very hesitant to leave the house, but he does it nevertheless.
Despite that and his introversion he doesn't prevent ME from going out though, which is important. The other one couldn't cope with me leaving her side to the point that she'd want me in the bathroom with her when she needed to poop, and I got hell every time I left. So for tips, I recommend not being abusive and being able to practice me-time so that your partner can, too.
I've never dated one, but would really like to because I'm a hermit myself. Most partners I've had have seen it as a defect. I've accepted I just have to be picky. I see how it's been difficult for partners I've had. She sadly passed away from cancer 5 years ago and it's since then that I've slowly withdrawn from socialising with friends. I find it hard to form relationships as I think its the fear of losing someone that I may get close to and perhaps fall in love with.
I'm in one to one therapy currently which is helping somewhat, and I have hope that one day I can be in a place where I can love and trust another person. I am more a recluse than anything else , being intuitive and very observant of human nature , I will say it is a" safety net" of sorts and a result of perhaps some negative human -social experiences of youth.
On the other hand while I admire many who are very extroverted I see a desperation in that behavior too as I see many who's social life has far outweighed the ability to stick to or develop familial ties. Isn't it just a "six of one half a dozen of the other " There is no greater insult for a writer than to be accused of plagiarizing. I assure all my readers that my work is original. It is based solely on my own personal experiences, my own analysis or observations of the subject addressed, or a mixture of both. Thanks Chris, I totally agree with you.
People have the right to live their lives any way they choose as long as they are not hurting anybody hopefully not hurting themselves either. Your comment made me reread my article because I don't think I articulated that being reclusive is sometimes a choice made from preference and that there is nothing wrong with that.
I'll have to do some editing to get that in there. As i read through the comments I noticed as I have in many other articles that people comment that the person is "lonely and or depressed" and i asked myself why so many people believe or think that? Just because I or others do not fit into societys norm does not make us less of a person Just as society stereotypes us as being "abnormal", those os us that are this way could do the same I, personally, am not depressed, I am less stressed I do gather for quiet social gatherings and for special occasions with a close group of friends, and even organize social gatherings.
However, I do not have the need for constant stimulation day in day out, every weekend, etc. Being in loud, crowded, environments and being bombarded by sights and sounds just brings about sensory overload. There are coworkers who come back on a Monday and talk about their weekend which was filled with an itinerary full of activities and events and I think to myself, "How exhausting! Nor do I believe one needs a huge social network of friends.
Really, for those of people who have several hundred friends on Facebook how many of them are actually people who affect their lives? It's the quality of friends and not quantity. It's about how special occasions should be special and not the norm. It's like the Seinfeld joke about the absurdity about how people always need to be out somewhere to feel fulfilled and as soon as they're out somewhere they want to leave:.
You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Where ever you are in life, it's my feeling, you've gotta go. Thanks Audrey, I know what you mean. I sure enjoy my nice, peaceful "me" time too! I wouldn't call myself a recluse but I sure enjoy my solitude. Like you've pointed out in the last paragraph here, I do claim "Reclusive Rights". Dear Shadow, It breaks my heart to think of you in so much pain.
You may be able to find resources to improve your situation or help with the stresses you are feeling by contacting different agencies. You could start here and I'm sure they will be able to help you figure out where to turn to next. Sometimes it helps to write it down or talk it out but usually it takes some kind of plan to live your best life. The good thing about this life is that you have some control over it.
One thing that has kept me from killing myself is the fear that I could be stuck in conditions much worse with no way to come back.
Why People Become Reclusive and Like It | PairedLife
I'm glad your mother is keeping you alive but I hope you find ways to enjoy more of your life. Sending you prayers and hugs. I am on sickness benefit and have no house, savings etc. I am so disillusioned by people that I wish I could buy a house on its own land, away from people and get some healing.
The stress of having horrible neighbours, and sleeping with earplugs every night because of sirens and road noise, is keeping me sick. When I get away from this flat, and these noises I start to relax; then I have to return and quickly get sick again. Short of winning the lotto I'm stuck here. I really hate people, and want out. I cry my heart out every day and beg for death. Cant kill myself though as it will destroy my mother and I dont want to do that. So i have to grin and bear an unbearable illness and neighbours from hell.
Get me away from here and I'll slowly get well again. Kathy, Thanks for sharing your story with me. I can relate to how you found yourself where you are. Somehow, it seems to sneak up on you with one thing happening after another. I wish you well. I'm glad I could be of some help. I simply googled Reclusive just now because I wondered why I am the way I am when I was never this way before. I was the social butterfly. I had parties at my home and enjoyed the company of many friends. Several years ago, I was diagnosed with Stage 3 ovarian cancer, and it was the beginning of isolation.
When I moved out of state, I didn't have any friends, so it was easier to isolate. Six years ago something very traumatic happened. I do go to my job, but I am simply an actress on stage. I teach, so it is easy to pretend to be okay. My students think I am a vibrant person. I want to laugh every time they say it. When I was younger, I did have horrible anxiety, but it didn't keep me from being social.
In fact, I needed people around me. Anyway, thanks for sharing. I'm trying; my problem is I have a million things I want to write about and they're all banging into each other. I need to organize my mind. Better late than never. It's good to see you. C'mon, get back in the swing. I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. I've been busy being reclusive too. I could have written the exact thing you wrote to me every word of it.
Hi Paula, I haven't been on here much. I've been becoming more and more reclusive also I just got this message from you and apparently you wrote it seven months ago. I hope all is good for you. I do miss the interactions I had with you and other hubbers so I really need to get back in the game. Yeah, I think I would have had to make a huge effort to get a laugh out at that t-shirt.
I am reclusive now. I hate winter and won't go out unless I have to. I have lost friends and family in the last year so that is part of it. I have always liked being home. I, at least, would get out and go on short trips with friends. I haven't done that in a long time. My kids are busy so I don't visit them. They call or text, but that is about it. Nowadays they think texting makes it all good. I know I need to get out of this rut I'm in. I just reread this. In 13 months since my original comment, I think I've become even more reclusive. Of course, it is winter and I don't especially like to venture out when the weather is bad.
However, I've proven to myself over the past few years that I truly feel much happier over all by avoiding a lot of interaction.
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Reading Pablo's comment rings quite familiar to me. We humans have a saturation point. When I retired, a friend gave me a T-shirt that read: I'll just drop everything immediately and work on YOUR problems. Thanks for commenting pablo; It sounds like you are finally living the peaceful life you deserve. As a former therapist, I have had enough drama just trying avoid the need to solve problems for other people.
I mean that in this by trying to help people learn to cope with their horrors and not kill themselves in the process. Now I am retired, have paid my dues and like being alone, to think, read, paint and joy great music on my headphones. I hate to hear the phone ring and I seldom answer it unless I know it is important. Doctor's offices will leave a message. I like people, but I have leaned that I cannot save everyone. Hi effer, sorry, I haven't been visiting my hubpages too often and just saw that you wrote me. I haven't even seen the previous message you're referring to. I'm about to start getting back in the game.
Now, about that bone you have to pick with me???
What I mean by that comment, is that there is a huge stigma with these 2 disorders, I don't want to be stigmatized, I have no choice but to hide. Lynn, thanks for commenting and I hope you can figure it out. I didn't mean that those specific reasons applied to everyone who becomes reclusive and I have even become aware of other reasons some people become reclusive since I wrote that article.
One reason could be that people continually disappoint them or that they feel too much stress thinking that they are a disappointment to others; another reason might be that they lack motivation and possibly don't recognize that they are depressed and lack motivation to get help to overcome it. I'm sure there are hundreds, if not, thousands, of other reasons. I am seriously considering researching this further and possibly writing a book about it one day.
Maybe when my book comes out, I will have discovered something that makes you say, "Aha, that's it! I really appreciate your comment. It has inspired me to look into this further and try harder to be helpful. Now if I can only get myself motivated to start that book.
Just an FYI -- my reclusive behavior has nothing to do with my parents telling me not now, their busy after tugging at a pant leg. I don't actually remember doing that to be honest. I am still trying to figure out what makes me want to drop out on life and remain there.
I was a shy child and always socially awkward. As you say, everybody has a story The Lord gives me strength to continue, as I've had struggles with eating disorders, depression, and now a thyroid disease. I never feel like I really fit in, which is why I choose to be reclusive; but I am okay with that, because one day I will enter an eternal realm that won't compare to this physical existence. Until then, I will do the best I can with what the Lord blesses me with.
I some how enjoy leading this life as Recluse. I also keep on writing and writing and doing Yoga and Meditation. One of my friend often tells me that it's been a long time already in leading a life of a Recluse. My Publisher is more worried than I'm when it comes to my loneliness. Hi Evelyn, I can relate and I'm so glad you found my article helpful. I, too, have to push myself to get out in the world and sometimes it's just easier to stay in and avoid all the obstacles that life throws at you Good things never come easy but when you work for them and they finally arrive they seem a whole lot sweeter.
I bet people will respect you and love you for it. I really enjoyed your article. I recently have wanted to be reclusive more than anything. I have always felt like an outsider looking at other people's lives wondering why they were happy; didn't they know life is miserable! I had NO childhood; no guidance at all. I had to learn all the social graces by myself. I have worked all my life to be like everyone else and was successful at it but it was never really me. I have just started to write a blog about my childhood and it has made me so insightful, as has your writing, as to why I am this way.
The Repressed Man: What He Really Needs From His Partner
Thank you so much, I needed this. I believe communication is the key in such situations especially after undergoing bad experiences. This was useful information, glad that you shared it. What an insightful observation, Marisa. I never thought about how people convince themselves to accept the lives they fall into while avoiding changes that could improve their worlds. Very interesting and thought-provoking.
Thanks for reading and sharing your wisdom. One thing I've learned is that people are very, very good at self-justification. In other words, when you've got into a situation and it's going to scary to change it, it's human nature to try to convince yourself you don't want to change it!
Where The Desire Comes From
So for instance, I've met many women who claim they love being single, or recluses who say they love being alone, but deep down they know that's not true - they're lonely and unhappy. But if they admitted it to themselves they'd go and slit their wrists, so they have to tell themselves it's fine. The trouble is that also means they don't attempt to do anything to make things better, either.
I've certainly met people who are genuinely happier on their own, but I don't think they are all that common - so it's important for each person to examine your own motives. It feel it's important, however, to distinguish between introversion-- a fundamental character trait-- and wanting to be alone as a result of trauma or other negative social experiences in the past. I'm an introvert-- which in the psychological sense-- means I energize and "recharge my batteries" in solitude. Thanks jantamaya for reading, commenting, and voting It's hard to drag ourselves out of the house sometimes but we have to do it for our own sakes!
I think, we writers like to be in the recluse. Without being there, we would not write. We only should know that too much of recluse isn't good for us: Well thank you Vincent, It sounds like we have some things in common. Enjoying my somewhat solitude but I have my son to keep me in the grid. I don't know what I'm going to do when he goes off to college. I suppose I will write and write and write. What a very interesting article.
There are a number of issues that nailed me to a tee. Although not a total recluse, I tend to enjoy my solitude. I use to be a social butterfly in my careers and marriages, but when all those fell apart in time, I fell off the grid. I have a chosen select few friends who I entertain at my place over dinners and vice versa. However I keep a low profile now, doing a lot of writing, reading, cooking, exercising and part-time working.
- dating taipei!
I've owned houses but now enjoy a quaint lovely bachelor suite in the heart of my city. I go out for walks, drives and observe people and my inspirations are fueled by my sojurns. I truly enjoy my privacy, but still require the scent of a woman in my life, yet from a distance.
She stays in her pad and me in mine, we simply enjoy sleepovers: Peace and blessings I send to you this day. Ken, all of the above and then some. I'm not quite sure I want to tell the world though but if you r e a l l y want to know I'll send you it in a message and we can discover what happened together. I imagine it will be a long story. You're cute, bright, apparently big-hearted. Why are you inclined to becoming a partial recluse? Not much to do where you live? Your last significant other act like a significant a-hole? Need a good reason to come out and play?
Thank you tattuwurn, I also enjoy being a sometimes social recluse. I appreciate your reading, commenting, and voting! I've enjoyed being a recluse.
I do believe that if you can't enjoy your solitude you'll never be a complete individual. Recluse, but not entirely antisocial. I still go out at times and even meet total strangers. I think it's all about balancing your life. I often think I would like to be a hermit, off the grid, with plenty of time to pursue my many interests. But, I know I would quickly start to hunger for human company, so there has to be a balance struck. It's pretty easy, short-term, to avoid social contacts, but long-term that diminishes one.
Okay now stop picking on us hermits! In public Americans have so quickly fallen into such insultive behaviors that Im actually sick of a faultering society. Stand in a line for an hour , traffic and driving habits , human nature drives some of us to natures peace and serenity! Simply put people can suck! Very nice article, HoneyBB! I tend to have cycles: I never really understood why, but I'm always in one extreme or the other! See 9 more comments. Other product and company names shown may be trademarks of their respective owners.