- The 4 Qualities Of A Conscious Relationship - mindbodygreen
- Using Our Relationships for Personal Growth
- How you can take charge
The couples in the intimacy-provoking situation spent 45 minutes taking turns asking and answering, in a predetermined order, a set of questions provided for them, each question more probing than the last. The conditions were designed to elicit more and more personal and emotional self-disclosures. The couples assigned to the "small talk" situation were also given a set of questions and took turns asking and answering them. Describe where you went and what you saw. Tell your partner about it. When the interactions ended, all subjects completed a series of self-reporting measures that assessed how close they felt to their partners.
Each subject also completed a series of measures that assessed the degree of attention he paid to his partner, the level of conversational involvement demonstrated and the degree to which each subject injected novel or playful subject matter into the conversations.
The 4 Qualities Of A Conscious Relationship - mindbodygreen
Says Kashdan, "We found an interaction between trait curiosity and the experimental condition. Low-curiosity subjects experienced greater closeness in the intimacy-producing situation than in the small-talk condition. High-curiosity individuals, however, experienced high levels of closeness in both social contexts. They had relatively higher scores under intimacy conditions, but those scores were still lower than those reported by high-curiosity subjects. They all reported feelings of closeness above the conceptual midpoint even when comparing their feelings to other relationships in their life.
Here's a list of 16 ways to date someone you're really, really into without losing yourself. It's great when your significant other and your friends like one another, but your friends don't always want your other half around when they are trying to spend time with you. The way you interact with your friends when your boyfriend or girlfriend tags along is necessarily different -- and less intimate -- than when you show up solo.
Using Our Relationships for Personal Growth
So plan -- and show up for -- a standing after-work happy hour or weekend brunch that's just for you and the people who were there for you before Mr. You and your significant other are not going to enjoy all the same activities. Don't stop nurturing your pottery skills just because your partner doesn't especially love ceramics.
It's important to support each other's interests -- even and maybe especially when they aren't shared. While committing to another being is a great thing, giving up your needs and feelings up for that person isn't. Don't compromise or undermine your own desires just because a you want to give the other person everything they want or b you're scared that you'll lose him or her if you need something different.
A functional relationship makes room for what both of you need, and your partner can't know what you need if you don't voice it. If he or she walks when you do express yourself, better that than losing yourself to someone unwilling to hear you and meet you halfway.
It's fine to make plans with your partner and even discuss a possible future together, but it's just as important to establish for yourself what you want out of your career and work toward the things you want in your personal life. Spend some time charting short-term and long-term goals that have nothing to do with your significant other. Make sure you're aware of what you won't give up for anyone.
Spending time "apart" while constantly chatting and texting with your partner isn't really taking time for yourself. To retain your sense of who you are, you need to set aside time to do your thing -- work, exercise, read, journal, pursue personal projects, whatever -- without checking in with your partner every five minutes.
How you can take charge
That movie you've been looking forward to is finally coming out? A friend in another city invited you to visit for a weekend? Have a chance to go skydiving for the first time? Thoughts or memories may come into our awareness. Learning to focus inwardly will take practice since many of us have spent very little time focusing on ourselves and how we actually feel. As with all the steps of this new paradigm, we must be patient with ourselves and appreciate each little step we take.
Feeling deeply can also prove to be challenging because our present feelings are often influenced by what has gone on in our past. For instance, if we have had a relationship in the past that left us feeling criticized or unlovable, chances are good that our new relationship will also bring up those feelings. Love tends to bring to the surface any past hurts that need to be healed.
This is one reason the new paradigm for relationships is so powerful. Instead of blindly repeating old ways of being, we can use our relationships to work on ourselves — to notice the patterns of thought and behavior that we continually relive and begin to explore them within the safety of the relationship.
The key is to take the time to remove ourselves from the situation and feel what is actually going on inside. This gives us time to calmly reflect so we can act instead of react. This step involves telling our partner the truth about how we feel. It is important to avoid the tendency to fall back on old patterns of relating such as making our partner wrong, going numb, playing out dramas based on old hurts, or entering into power struggles.
To communicate clearly we need to go beyond blame and judgment and tell the truth about our experience. We need to make the decision that being happy in our relationship is more important than being right.